"There Once Was a Man From Nantucket ..."

You probably came here hoping to finally see that dirty limerick in its entirety. Seriously, whenever I'd hear that limerick on TV, they would never finish it. Took me years to find out the whole joke. And, let me say, it is NASTY!

But, I digress.

I entered a limerick contest and want to share my entries with my loyal reader(s) for two reasons:

1. Who doesn't love limericks?
2. I haven't written a post for a while, and I figure this'll buy me some time.

Disclaimer: This is a PG contest, so don't expect the foulness we all know I'm capable of.
Disclaimer 2: I know I ended a sentence with a preposition, but "of which we all know I'm capable" sounded too stickupmybutt-y.

Here you go. Multiple entries were allowed--and the alternative was cleaning my house--so I entered multiple times. You might wanna cover your nice chair in plastic, because you'll probably pee your pants laughing.

Clean limericks just don’t make the cut
So give me a limerick with smut
‘Cause the naughtier blokes
With their off-color jokes
Always make this old lass bust a gut

~

He wooed her with flowers and kisses
But still she remained quite dismissive
Til a blue box from Tiff’ny
Gave her an epiph’ny
And changed that near miss to a missus

~

Young girls, don’t get down in the dumps
When the little boys treat you like chumps
For when you’re all grown
Those boys hearts you’ll own
With the help of lipstick and some pumps

~

I'm an editor. Fear my red pen.
Your mistakes bring me feelings of Zen.
And when my corrections
Are met with objections,
I say, “Kiss my asterisk, then!”

~

I drink to the troops who protect me
I drink to the men who respect me
I drink 'til my liver
Fills up like a river
This good will has just about wrecked me


If I win the contest, I'll tell you all about it. If I lose, I'll tell you all about it in a pissy, resentful manner.

UPDATE:

I didn't win the contest. I'm pretty sure the judges were intimidated by my astonishing wit. What are you gonna do, right?