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Monday, July 22, 2013

A Whole New World Showcase

I’ve been Pocahontas for five months. I filled in for Mulan once. I mostly kept my head bowed that day, and not as a gesture of respect. As you can see, I don’t look remotely Asian, but I was the only available cast member without porcelain skin or blue eyes. Apparently a gender-bending war hero outranks a Native American chick in a skimpy dress. Who cares if Pocahontas is missing from her post outside The American Adventure? But God forbid Mulan isn’t there to welcome the little spoiled brats to China.

I wanted to be Princess Jasmine. I applied for Jasmine and auditioned in a Jasmine costume. They went with the busty girl instead … even though she mispronounced the tiger’s name. (It’s RAH-juh, you twit. Not RAY-juh.)

I gotta hand it to her, though. Jasmine’s pretty good. She and Aladdin—who she’s dating, naturally—do this stunt hourly where Genie gives Aladdin the power to charm a snake out of a basket. We’re only required to pose, chat up the guests and sign autographs. If I had nice shaded digs like they enjoy over in Morocco, maybe I’d be inspired to perform tricks, too. The execs eat that shit up. They call it “ingenEARity.” The Aladdin/Jasmine/Genie line is always long. As Pocahontas, I’m practically chasing down kiddies for photo ops.

Genie’s been after me for weeks. He’s bald and fat. What am I gonna do with that? Last weekend, I relented. After Genie inhaled his prime rib, he asked if I was going to finish my salmon, his fork already hovering above my plate. When the check came, he told me how much my portion was. Swoon. Still, I let him grope me outside my apartment. I even agreed to another date.

Today, Genie seemed as shocked as all those parents when Aladdin charmed a giant rubber dildo emblazoned with “PROPERTY OF JASMINE” from the basket. (I never said Genie isn’t a good actor.)

I get fitted for my Jasmine costume tomorrow.

#

This week's Trifecta writing challenge: The entry must be 33-333 words and include the word "charm," as defined below:

CHARM
to control (an animal) typically by charms (as the playing of music) <charm a snake>


Word count: 333

44 comments:

  1. Great story. Love it.
    I must comment though, that it would actually be stronger without the Disney explanation in the intro. Your readers are smart enough to figure it out. Plus, I like to be confused briefly while I immerse myself in the story.
    Just a thought !
    Best,
    MOV

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    Replies
    1. MOV,

      I really wish you hadn't said that. You see, Hubs told me not to include the intro explanation because he said it "devalues the story." Now, I have to admit that for, like, the third time in our marriage he was right. :)

      Seriously, thank you for the input! I will take it out and let the readers fend for themselves.

      Delete
    2. Anytime! :)
      MOV
      Ps-- and it is troublesome when husband are right

      Delete
  2. This is good and very funny! I also enjoyed the disillusioned tone of the narrator.

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    1. Thanks! Disney certainly has lost some of its magic in her eyes, huh? :)

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  3. I literally CLAPPED at the end, it was witty, funny and so creative.

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    1. Awesome! Thanks for the kind words, Kir!

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    2. I concur with Kir, I didn't clap, but I did read it twice!!! It sounds so dumb to say "It was so good", but it REALLY, really was!!!

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  4. Ha! It's a dog-eat-dog world over at Disney...

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    1. Who knew, right? :) Thanks for reading!

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  5. Wicked! Girl, you ain't right and that's why I love what you do. lol

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    1. Haha! This made me smile. :) Thanks, LaTonya!

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  6. Oh my gods...
    That is hilarious.

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  7. Oh....my! Genie is a sneaky. Evil, I'd say! Being a parent, I had to laugh at the end because there were probably a lot of awkward responses to the , "what's that, Mommy?" questions :)

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    1. I guess everyone has their price, even Genie. I would imagine there were lots of uncomfortable parent/child discussions that day. :)

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  8. At first I had no idea where this was heading, which made the ending all that more satisfying and hilarious. Thank you for linking up! Please remember to return for the voting!

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    1. Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it. :) I'll actually be at Disney World when the voting opens (how's that for irony?) but I will certainly try to get my votes in.

      Delete
  9. So funny, and so engaging. I love how the narrator was so blah about it all. I actually wondered, if only for a stupid minute, whether or not you really work at some theme park as one of the characters. Excuse me. I haven't have my evening Coca-Cola as yet. Haha.

    And HILARIOUS what you said about your husband being right for only the third time. Hahaha.

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    Replies
    1. That's great! I wanted it to seem like my personal story ... at first. ;) I would probably be resentful if I had to smile and pose all day. That's way too many consecutive hours of perkiness for me.

      I don't mind telling you that Hubs actually did a little dance when I told him he was right. It was such a rare treat for him. :)

      I really appreciate your kind words!

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  10. Too funny. Today my girls were talking about height restrictions for working as a princess character at Disneyland. I am so into your story!

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    1. Haha! Hopefully the Disneyland princesses are a little less cutthroat. ;) Thanks for reading!

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  11. A lovely take on the prompt. Enjoye this one.

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  12. Lordy, Ivy, I adore your deadpan style of writing! It's not easy to do and you do it so well! I'm having fun picturing the look on Aladdin's face-his manhood in shambles at his feet as he is questioning the need for Jasmine's, uh, "property"...of heck, I just sent myself into another fit of hysterical laughter!! Loved, loved, loved this one!

    p.s. Thank you so much for you sweet comment, too:)

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    1. Valerie,

      Your comment made my day! It's so cool when writers I admire dig what I wrote. :) Thank you so much for the awesome feedback!

      P.S. Is it wrong that your comment has me thinking about Aladdin's manhood?

      Delete
  13. Stupid Genie, as if he was really good enough for her! I agree with MOV about the intro, I did get a little confused at first and with everyone else here that this was funny as all get out. Great take.

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  14. Love this!!!! Pocahontas - true story, last year we had a family reunion and so my cousin dug deep, turns out, Chief Powhatan would have been my 14th great great grandfather or some crazy number. So last year was spent with me annoying family and friends to call me Nettahontas. lol. I adore your take on the prompt and humor!!

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    1. Thank you, Nettahontas. :) Glad you enjoyed it!

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  15. You drew forth many filthy chuckles with this charmingly rude piece! Very funny 'behind the scenes' stuff...

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    1. Filthy chuckles are my favorite kind. ;) Thanks for the kind words!

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  16. Hahaha! So hilarious and so satisfying.

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    1. Thanks! So glad you enjoyed it. :)

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  17. Congrats on your well-deserved win!

    Best,
    MOV

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much!

      Your advice helped make it a stronger piece, so thank you for that, too! :)

      Delete
  18. This is gold! Thanks so much for letting me start my day with a laugh! :D

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    1. I'm glad this gave you a chuckle. Thanks for the kind words! :)

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  19. You got first on this one!?!? Whoot! I loved it btw.

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