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Monday, July 8, 2013

Habits of the Suburban Super Mother

The suburban super mother (mama suburbia superior), also known as PTA president, soccer mom, or neighborhood busybody, is a female homosapien native to the Americas.

An excellent stalk-and-ambush predator, the suburban super mother pursues a wide variety of prey. Primary food sources include neighbors with ugly lawns and non-volunteering parents, as well as attractive, single women--particularly those inhabiting the same subdivision.

Suburban super mothers are slender and agile, typically weighing 95-110 lbs. Although suburban super mothers closely resemble average suburban mothers, they are smaller but with more silicone in their breasts. They also are more powerfully built due to an affinity for Bikram yoga and Insanity workouts.

The forehead of the suburban super mother is smooth and immovable. Another common characteristic is two faces. The suburban super mother has five non-retractable, well-manicured claws on each forepaw and six-inch heels on its hind paws. Its thin, muscular legs are best adapted for 5K races and social climbing.

Except for its synthetic mane, sculpted eyebrows and lash extensions, the suburban super mother is virtually hairless. Skin coloring ranges from tan to orange, but varies greatly between individuals.

Suburban super mothers sometimes voice low-pitched hisses, growls and purrs. They are also known to scream.

French perfume and thong panties are used to attract mates. Suburban super mothers can be monogamous; this is less likely when attractive, male personal trainers enter their territory. At any rate, copulation is brief and infrequent. Chronic stress and budgets can result in low reproductive rates.

Suburban super mothers typically average one-to-two litters throughout their reproductive lives. They are fiercely protective of their offspring. Cubs are completely dependent on their mother at first, and begin to be weaned at around 30 years of age.

Suburban super mothers are pack animals. When encountering mothers outside of their pack, they may fly into a violent rage until the other party backs down.

McMansions in gated communities offering status and ample walk-in closets are the suburban super mother's preferred habitat.

Photo borrowed from deviantart.com
#
 
trifecta weekly writing challenge: The entry must be 33-333 words and include the word "fly," as defined below:

FLY
a. to move, pass, or spread quickly <rumors were flying>
b. to be moved with sudden extreme emotion <flew into a rage>
c. to seem to pass quickly <the time simply flew>

Word count: 333

28 comments:

  1. Very funny Ivy! Encyclopedias would be more widely read if the entries resembled your writing.
    Hurray! I have saved a kitten! :-)

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    1. Haha! Thank you. I'm more of a dog person myself, but I'm glad you don't have the blood of a poor little kitty on your hands. :)

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    1. So glad you enjoyed it. Thanks!

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  3. You really developed a nice rhythm as the story went along. The humourous observations started to flow quite easily. For some reason, When I read this, I hear the voice of an unseen voice-over announcer reading the words, with canned elevator music playing in the background. This could be a Saturday Night Live skit. Well done, Ivy.

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    1. When I read your comment, I imagined the SNL skit playing out in my head. That's high praise. Thank you so much!

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  4. I swore I commented yesterday. This is hilarious. I'm learning quickly how much fun it is to read your blog.

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    1. Thank you, LaTonya! Honestly, I write things to amuse myself, hoping others will find the humor as well. I'm so glad you did!

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  5. I think I've met this species before. It's best to back away slowly when accidentally treading on their turf :)

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    1. Definitely! :) Thanks for reading.

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  6. Catty, catty. But very funny! Another good reason for city living.

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  7. Very entertaining read--I'm especially fond of the line: "Cubs are completely dependent on their mother at first, and begin to be weaned at around 30 years of age."

    The whole thing is beautifully understated. Well done!

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  8. Love the nature documentary style. Love the insightful observations of the narrator. Clever and very funny piece of writing!

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    1. Thank you! It was fun to write. Glad you enjoyed it. :)

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  9. Replies
    1. Your comment just made my day. Thanks! :)

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  10. Ouuch... they sounds vicious .. Love your style in writing this. I'm a total fan of write in various styles.

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    1. Thank you, Bjorn. I do enjoy mixing it up. Keeps readers guessing. ;)

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  11. This is hilarious. I love that you mention that offspring are weaned at age 30! lol! I think you could expant this into a larger piece. Nice pic, btw. Well done.

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    1. Thank you, lumdog! I had to trim this a lot to meet the word limit, so I could definitely expand on this.

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  12. your whole tale made me laugh, but the picture made me roar, well done :) *not the most enlightening comment ever, but who the hell wants to murder a kitten??*

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    1. Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

      And thanks for commenting. Slaughtering kittens really gets old. ;)

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  13. So scathingly accurate - the best kind of funny.

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You're so sexy when you comment on my blog.