A Conversation with 17-Year-Old Me

Hey, you. It's me ... you. Future you. What?! No, I'm not 60, you perky-boobed little bitch.

I know you're getting ready for school. Since you wake up two hours early to do your hair, I think you can spare a few minutes. Put down the Aqua Net and listen up. Believe me, your hair's tall enough.

Look, the homecoming dance is in a few weeks. I know, I know. Just grab some single friends and go stag. You should be used to it by now. You hardly ever have a date, but you always have fun at the dances anyway, right? I don't think you'll be surprised to learn you'll be in the same boat come prom time. Mutual friends will hook you up with a sophomore you've barely spoken to prior to him asking you to your own prom. And you'll have a decent time. Your night won't end as romantically as Molly Ringwald's in Pretty in Pink, but you won't have a bucket of pigs' blood poured on you, either. So, there's that.

Hey there, lonely girl

Lately it seems your entertainment options are to tag along on your friends' dates or sit at home in your gnarly neon green miniskirt watching  Spenser: For Hire. It's not like you haven't had your moments with the opposite sex. There was that flirtation with the bad boy who later dropped out of school ... but not before letting you down easy by misquoting the band Chicago. "I really like you. You're the kind of girl you wanna be serious with. I'm just not ready for that yet. It's like the song says, 'Love me tomorrow, not today.'" Translation: "I'm an idiot, and this other girl puts out."
You're not gonna like this, but it doesn't get much better after high school. When you're 18, you'll have your first true love experience. True love will last about five months. And then there's college. Lots of people meet their future spouse during their undergrad years. You'll meet a basketball player/wannabe date rapist and a fellow newspaper staff writer who wears more foundation than you do. Not exactly marriage material.

Don't have a cow. Your romantic life will start heating up. You'll fall for a Marine whose home on leave. Yep, you'll have a bona fide boyfriend. Unfortunately, he'll be busy with Operation Desert Storm, so that means more sitting at home for you. It will take you years of off-and-on, long-distance dating to realize he's a dead end (which you'll figure out after he vacations with you while he's living with another woman--unbeknownst to her and you).

You're not the only one whose dates turn out to be duds. A lot of girls settle for those bogus guys, though. That's a big price to pay for roses and some chocolates on Valentine's Day. Trust me: you'd rather be alone than with someone who mistreats you.

And alone you shall be. Sure, there will be offers, but you've decided not to go out with men who aren't worth your time. For three years, your only date will be Mom. People will call you stuck-up, too picky ... even question your sexuality. Come on, don't cry; your royal blue mascara will run. Hey, it could be worse. You know those girls who ALWAYS have boyfriends right now? Many of them will be getting divorced around this time.

Don't get fitted for that nun's habit just yet. Your lean years will come to an end when you  (reluctantly) agree to a blind date with a coworker's cousin. Get this: He's a Catholic farm boy. You couldn't have less in common. But you guys really hit it off and get engaged in less than four months. No, you're not knocked up. Geez! Aren't you a little young to be so cynical?

I wish you could see your life in 2013. You have a totally rad guy. He's a tall, dark-haired, handsome, hardworking man who believes in God and frequent Disney trips. (Oh, that's right. You haven't been to Disney World yet, have you? Trust me, you will LOVE it!)

Your man is committed, loving and supportive. He adores you. As a matter of fact, you recently celebrated your 14th wedding anniversary. All those single years were a major downer, but you held out for the right one, and he definitely is. It's actually kind of sickening how happy you are.

Oh, and you two have gorgeous kids--a boy and a girl. They're not only good looking; they're smart and talented. Your son is sweet, artistic and loves Star Wars movies like his dad. Yeah, can you believe Star Wars is still a huge deal? And they just keep making sequels. But, I digress. Your daughter is a feisty little thing with wicked rap skills and a quick wit. Hmmm ... I wonder where she gets that.

Boy, I revealed way more than I had intended. I think the Aqua Net fumes are getting to me. Anyway, I need to get back and put that load in the dryer. Yes, you do laundry now. Sorry, but your plan to have a robot housekeeper and automatic makeover closet like Jane Jetson hasn't exactly worked out.

Take care of us, OK? And do me a favor: When Daddy takes you to school this morning, give him an extra long hug. You'll be glad you did. As much as you'd like him to be, he won't be around forever.


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