Our 2013 Rap Sheet

This is a revised version of our Christmas letter. I deleted names and other personal details because I refuse to make things easy for internet lunatics and stalkers. They'll have to put in their own work like everyone else.

If you're a relative/friend/coworker/acquaintance and you didn't get our letter this year, we:

a. didn't have your address
b. never receive one from you (tit for tat and all that)
c. don't like you enough to waste the stamp
d. some combination of the above
e. all of the above

 

Aren’t you sick of braggy Christmas letters?

 

Well, this year we’re keeping it real, yo! We’re gonna tell you all the bad stuff we did in 2013.

 

Son, 13
Alias: Stretch McGee

Offenses:

• Ditched his family every chance he got on their Disney cruise over last New Year’s
• Outgrew his jeans twice
• Forced his parents to endure frigid temps (40°!) to watch his fancy footwork on the soccer field
• Sported a mustache that looks like Justin Bieber's
• Wore headphones and pajama pants all the time
• Stole every pencil in the house to draw his original comic series “McFancy”
• Committed multiple zombie homicides on Xbox Live

  

Daughter, 11
Alias: Baby Girl

Offenses:

• Only came in fourth place at the school spelling bee
• Ditched her family to spend spring break in Myrtle Beach with friends
• Had a pop star-themed sleepover birthday party and kept her parents up way too late
• Was the tiniest, yet the loudest, cheerleader on her city rec squad
• Attended a P!nk concert in Atlanta with her mom and conned her mother into buying a $5 cup of pop
• Allowed her feet to keep growing (currently size 6.5), requiring new shoes three times

Hubs
Alias: Mags

 

Offenses:

• Visited Germany and Italy three times each, Florida and Iowa; only took his wife on the Iowa trip
• Subjected his family to countless hours of country music while honing his guitar skills  
• Chaperoned his son’s field trip to the Blue Ridge Mountains, and his daughter’s field trip to Tybee Island, GA, and brought back grimy, muddy laundry both times  
• Habitually fell asleep during family movie nights and dark amusement park rides

Ivy
Alias: The Boss

Offenses:

• Didn’t finish her novel (has only written 125 pages so far)
• Let her children invite too many friends (29!) to their annual Halloween party
• Wrote posts that embarrassed her family on her blog mommydourest.blogspot.com
• Went on two girls' trips (Disney World and Universal Studios) instead of the contractually agreed upon one trip per year
• Kept saying “pop” even though it’s “soda” in the South

We hope y'all aren't too disappointed in us now that you know all our dirty secrets.

Wishing you good health, good fortune, and good times in the coming year. (Yeah, we know we said that in 2012, but we still wish those things for you!)

Love,

Us