Pardon Me; You're on My Last Nerve

I'm in a foul mood.

I've had four hours of sleep, Hubs left yesterday for 11 days in Germany, I've been taking care of my mother round-the-clock for a month, there are currently five dogs (who poop, bark and insist on being fed daily) in my house, and my children are gorgeous little sloths who can't remember to put their dirty clothes in hampers. What better time to vent my frustrations? Besides, it's my blog and I can kvetch if I want to.

If you think any part of this post is about you, it probably is. As a writer, I do get inspiration from the people in my life. Anything you say or do to piss me off can and will be written against you. Just making you aware of your Miranda Writes. That pun would be so much cooler if my name were Miranda. Sigh.

So, here is a list of people who get on my @*&#^% nerves:

People who whine incessantly on Facebook
Hey, Debby Downer! Can't you just post monthly bathroom selfies, recipes and political rants like my other friends?

Speaking of Facebook: People who announce every visit to the gym
Goody. I hope a barbell falls on your chest.

People who make me repeat myself
Oh, I'd be delighted to say that again since you couldn't be bothered to pay attention the first time.

Parents who bring kids to adult-only functions
Because we enjoy the occasional child-free night out--and we aren't inconsiderate jerks--we got a sitter. So, why would we want to be bothered with your kid?

Parents who think their children are perfect little angels
Your kid is probably the meanest, sneakiest, worst behaved, most manipulative, most deceitful one in the bunch.

Parents who firmly believe their kids tell them everything
(Refer to the previous item, and then smack yourself for being so naïve.)

Mothers who use words like "momager," "momopolize" and "mompreneur"
You make me want to momvomit.

Doctors who think their time is more important than mine
Don't schedule me for 3:00 when you know full well I won't see the inside of your exam room until 3:45.

Drivers who don't turn right on red
I know you're texting, chatting or completing your online order, but I really need to get to my doctor appointment so I can sit in the waiting room for 45 minutes.

People who ask questions they could answer themselves with a little effort
Lazy Ass, let me introduce you to my friend Google. Ask him anything. He likes that.

People who treat me like their personal assistant because I'm a stay-at-home mom
If I wanted to be someone's bitch, I'd still be in the corporate world.

People who take credit for my accomplishments
Obviously my sole purpose for all that hard work was to make you look good.

Guys who hit on me in inappropriate settings/at inappropriate times (especially when I look like crap)
Yeah, I wore this T-shirt from 1997 and faded yoga pants to get your attention while we're picking up our kids after school.

Women who fail to realize their boyfriends/fiancés/husbands are losers
He can't hold down a decent job and flirts with your friends the minute you turn your back? Don't let that one get away, girl!

People who don't know the difference between their/there/they're
THERE they go proving THEY'RE idiots with THEIR inability to grasp a third-grade English lesson.

People who don't know the difference between your/you're
YOUR failure to recognize the difference proves YOU'RE a dumb ass.

Fellow moviegoers who haven't yet mastered the art of the whisper
I didn't plunk down $30 for admission, a vat of popcorn and a bucket of soda to listen to you theorize and analyze every plot point.

People who owe me money but have apparently been stricken with amnesia
Thank goodness for Instagram so I can see all the cool things you're doing instead of paying me back.

People who don't RSVP
Next time I send you an invite, remember this handy mnemonic device: Only rude, selfish, vacuous pinheads show up for an event without taking 30 freakin' seconds to confirm their attendance in advance.

People who won't take responsibility for their screw ups
This is kindergarten-level stuff. Fix it. Replace it. Correct it. At least apologize.

This is in no way a complete list, and I reserve the right to add to it after I've actually left my house today.