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Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Rut

Last week I had a piece of caramel popcorn in my hair for three hours before I realized it—and only then because the pest control guy pointed it out.

“Lucky for me your keen eye isn’t limited to spiders.” The joke fell flat. Maybe I should’ve smiled.

I’m a stay-at-home mom. That’s not a misnomer. I don’t get out much. With three kids under age 4 in tow, I need a sedative just to pick up the refill of my prescription sedative.

Lately I’m like a live-in companion to a man who pays me in boob gropes and beer farts. Our Sunday night sex appointments are currently on hold until The Walking Dead goes on hiatus. Good. I practically get knocked up just folding his boxers.

The most thrilling part of my day—besides taking my bra off after dinner—is ogling my new neighbor. Every morning at precisely 10:25, I let Disney Junior babysit the twins and confine Manning to the ExerSaucer. (Hubby took advantage of my post-delivery euphoria when it came to naming the last kid.)

Then I position myself by the window. Like clockwork, Hot Dad strolls past a few minutes later enroute to the park with his pristine little princess. She never has grass stains on her clothes or bruises from a Mega Bloks brawl.

Monday it took longer than usual to free Maisy from Mason’s headlock, so I missed the sexiest ass ever covered in khaki.

Yesterday I woke up early to decipher the triple stroller. For an extra Pop-Tart, Maisy let me brush her hair. I pulled on my nicest yoga pants and a fitted top rather than one of Hubby’s huge, holey concert tees.

Hot Dad was pushing his daughter on the swing when my brood arrived.

“Hello,” I chirped.

“Hey there.” His smile heated my insides. That, or my shirt was cutting off my circulation.

“My mommy watches you in the window,” Mason announced.

Sigh.

I’m expecting a restraining order notice any day now.


This week's Trifecta Writing Challenge: The entry must be 33-333 words and include the word "companion" as defined below:

COMPANION
a :  one that is closely connected with something similar
b :  one employed to live with and serve another

Word count: 333


42 comments:

  1. getting knocked up by folding boxers. That will keep me chuckling all day!
    Mine are 14 and 23, but god does this scene ring bells!
    If I had a nickel for every missed opportunity...
    Thanks for the laughs, Ivy!

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    1. Haha! Glad my story gave you some laughs. :)

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  2. oh, Ivy, such a PERFECT ending. Absolutely perfect. You really know how to set up a story and then hit it out of the park. Kudos.

    best,
    MOV

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    1. Thanks, MOV! I wasn't sure how this would end. It kinda came to me out of desperation. It's funny how creative you can get when you're dangerously close to exceeding the word limit. :)

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  3. Oh my gosh, I did not see that end coming....it was perfect. Great job.

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    1. Thanks for the kind words, Mandy! :)

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  4. Oh I about died laughing at the ending. There's something to the saying, "children should be seen and not heard"!

    Leave it to the little brat to tell the truth when he's not supposed to (but if you want to know who cut off the cat's whiskers, there's a lie ready and waiting :))

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    1. Haha! So true, Janna. It's amazing how quickly they can clam up or come up with a good lie when it suits them.

      There have been times I've wondered why I ever encouraged my kids to say their first words. If I'd only known ...

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  5. I love the tongue-in-cheek humor here, Ivy! I was giggling all the way through as you pulled off one fantastic one-liner after another. I like to hope I write like this, too, occasionally. (When the G&T I'm drinking has finally kicked in.) ;)

    Stellar work, my friend!

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    1. Thanks, my friend! Your comment made my morning. I'm glad you got some chuckles out of this. It was a fun one to write.

      Oh, and booze is a huge part of my writing process ... and my parenting plan ... and the secret to my marital longevity. ;)

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  6. Knocked up folding his boxers... great line! Such a funny piece. You have such a talent for humor. I love it. And the ending.. reminds me of some of the things my young niece would say in public that made me want to hide.

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    1. Awww! Thanks, Steph. I really enjoy writing humor--especially when I get to be snarky through my characters. :) So your feedback means a lot.

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  7. You knocked this out of the park Ivy with your amazing humor and creative writing style that left me in stitches. I was giggling from the beginning to that hilarious end!

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    1. Wow! Thanks for the lovely feedback, Glynis! I'm thrilled you enjoyed it. :)

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  8. Ah, out of the mouth of babes...that you wish you could stuff back in and staple closed sometimes ;) I have to agree, the knocked up folding his boxers is a great, great line. Great story (anecdote of real life?)!

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    1. Thank you! Fortunately, this is not autobiographical. My kids never embarrassed me like this because I only took the duct tape off their mouths at meal time. ;)

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  9. I agree the humor here was perfectly exhausted and wry.

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  10. OMG Ivy this is hilarious. Your humor is so well-timed and perfectly delivered in this piece. And I agree, the boxers line is fantastic.

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    1. Thanks for the wicked awesome comment, Momo! The boxers line seems to be a favorite. I admit I chuckled to myself when I wrote that one. :)

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  11. Ivy, this is so deliciously humorous! Giggled throughout. You have a perfect timing in your writing, my friend. Great job, dear :). Also congrats on your much-deserved win. Hugs!

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    1. Thank you, dearest! Coming from you, that means a lot. :)

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  12. This was absolutely hilariously perfect, Ivy! I remember those days! I was damn fertile too so I get the boxer thing totally. And "besides taking my bra off after dinner" I did this too (so binding). Did you ever read the book Little Children? Hot, hot, hot! It's a movie too. Reminds me of this story!

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    1. And if this was a voting week, you'd have mine for pure entertainment in 333.

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    2. Gina, thanks for the fabulous comment!

      I can relate to the fertile thing, too. Our son was a honeymoon souvenir. And our daughter came along pretty much as soon as we decided to have another baby. Makes me wonder how many kids we'd have if we weren't careful. Lol! And as far as bra shedding--my family knows there is a certain point in the evening that I will be open the door for guests. ;)

      And thanks anyway for wanting to vote for me. I'm so glad you enjoyed my story.

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  13. Haha! OMG, my kids did this to me once. To a 20 year old lifeguard. "It's my mommy's birthday! She's turning 33 but she says she likes 20 year olds." No more poptarts for you, kid. Graet write, Ivy. Thanks for sharing it with us.

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    1. OMG! I would've died! Lol. Thanks for sharing your pain. And thanks for the lovely compliment. :)

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  14. Wow. Seriously funny stuff. Goes places with the story as well. Really quotable, HotDad even causes tensions; love the naming. Very nice work :) thanks for the read and laugh.

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    1. Turok, I always appreciate your thoughtful comments. Thank you! :)

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  15. hahaha ooooh man am I glad I don't have kids!

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    1. They're great for tax deductions, but horrible for discretion. It's kind of a toss up. :)

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  16. This is a very cool "day in the life" piece. You perfectly capture the details and foibles of the stay at home mom. I hope you can get away sometimes, maybe a mission to Mars?

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    1. Haha! Thanks, lumdog. I do try to get away on occasion. It keeps me sane and keeps the children alive. ;)

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  17. Great piece! So funny and relatable.

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  18. Yeah, this hits the wheelhouse of any involved parent. The boxers and the restraining order lines made me laugh hard.

    I hope you win first place for bringing the funny.

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    1. Lance, you are too sweet! Thank you. :)

      I've never actually placed on a non community-judged challenge. I think I would piss myself if I won this week. But, in my defense, the bladder control isn't what it used to be prior to childbirth. Lol!

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  19. This was hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. I especially liked the line about the kid named Manning. As Captain America once said, "I get that! ...I know that reference." :D

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    1. Thanks, HW!

      You're the first to mention the Manning line. I'm glad you got a kick out of it. And I love the Avengers' reference. I think I have that movie memorized. :)

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  20. Oh that is hilarious!! I can completely relate to the stay at home mom thing. You are lucky to have eye candy strolling past. The only people that stroll past my house are old guys, young moms working off that last baby fat, and kids bouncing basketballs. Still giggling over this one. LOL

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You're so sexy when you comment on my blog.